Worst episode involving a “vegan” ever: Kitchen Confidential

This is a post I wrote back in 2006, but never actually posted. I was just looking through old files and found it. I always joke about how we should be eating raw blocks of tofu while walking down the street, and that’s a reference to this horrible, horrible episode. Vegans are almost always portrayed badly on tv, since there’s apparently no reason to include them unless the episode is about them wanting meat, unfortunately. So here’s a partial transcript of the episode, with a few of my comments.

For anyone not familiar with this show, it is NOT a reality cooking show, it’s a fictional comedy.
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Cheddar Tofurky Melt

Here is an easy afternoon meal. It’s a cheddar cheese tofurky melt (like the title says). I use Follow Your Heart vegan cheese, Tofurky slices, bread, and your favorite sandwich condiments.


I made two sandwiches here, using four slices per sandwich. I shredded some vegan cheese and put it between each of the slices. Okay, I was lazy and just cut small slices of cheese. You caught me. Either way, it works. I put them into the toaster oven on the highest setting and kept them in there until the cheese was melting off the edge.

Waiting while cooking


While your tofurky is cooking, toast your bread (or you don’t have to if you don’t like toasted bread). Then spread Vegenaise on your bread and top with condiments of your choice. I used Daddy Sam’s BBQ sauce (which is DELICIOUS!), and different varieties of mustard. I also had some lettuce from the BLTs I had the other night so I threw some of that on there. Too bad I didn’t have tomatoes as well.

Note: Mixing together lots of delicious condiments does not always make a tasty sandwich (as I figured out).

Finished Product

After it is done cooking, put the tofurky onto the sandwich and enjoy.

tofurky-melted tofurky-finished



drew (at) pliskinake (dot) com

Sweet-fried Tofu Bits

sauceThis is a new recipe I just tried out tonight. I guess it wasn’t a recipe before because I didn’t follow any. I just made it up as I went. What I used:

  • 2 blocks of tofu — cut into small chunks
  • 1 cup of white rice
  • Sugar
  • Teriyaki sauce
  • Rice Vinegar
  • Light Corn Syrup
  • Sweet and Sour sauce
  • Red Pepper Flakes
  • Garlic Powder
  • Flour
  • Corn Starch
  • Sunflower Oil
  • Water


The amounts of everything I do not know as I was just adding as I saw fit. The sauce consisted of Light Corn Syrup, Sweet and Sour Sauce, Red Pepper Flakes, Garlic Powder, Rice Vinegar, Sugar, and Teriyaki Sauce. I put in the amount I thought I wanted, adding some more here and some more there. Then I set it aside for later as that was one of the last things needed.

Coating Tofu In Flour



I cut all my tofu up and put it in a large metal mixing bowl. In another smaller bowl, I mixed (approximately) 6 parts flour to 1 part corn starch. It was probably even less corn starch than that, but I am not certain. (I am not sure if the corn starch actually did much. I think I won’t use it next time.) I mixed it together and threw it on to the tofu. Then, I tossed the tofu around, making sure to not break up the chunks more than they already were.

Deep-Frying Tofu

Once the tofu chunks were all coated with flour I put about an inch of sunflower oil in the bottom of a wok and turned the heat up high. After it got up to temperature, I started putting tofu chunks in. I let them set in there for a while (3-4 minutes), turning them around occationally. Then I took them out and put in the next batch.


While cooking the tofu, I started cooking rice. Just follow the instructions on the bag (usually 2 cups water to 1 cup rice). Boil water, put rice in, lower heat and cover for 20 minutes. Remove from heat and simmer for 5 minutes.

Using The Sauce

pansauceAfter my tofu was done, I emptied out the oil (into a glass jar to be thrown away later). I put the tofu back into the pan and started up the heat again (to about medium). After a few minutes (to get the pan heated up, along with the tofu bits) I sturred up my sauce because it had separated. I threw the sauce in with the tofu and stirred it around, coating all the tofu pieces with the sauce. Let it sit a little, stirring occasionally so the sauce soaks into the tofu and breading you created from deep-frying.

The rice was done by now so I put some rice on a plate, put some tofu on a plate, and ate it. It turned out pretty good.





There are a few changes I would make next time though. I seem to never be able to cook rice correctly. This time I DID cook it correctly, BUT I made it too soon. The rice was done before I was even half done deep-frying my tofu. So in that time, the rice started to dry out. So, cook your rice towards the end. It takes time to deep-fry tofu.

I would also take a separate smaller pan and make another bowl of sauce. Put the sauce in the smaller pan and “cook” it. Just heat it up and stir it around until warm. Do this at the VERY end as well. Low heat! Since the sauce is mainly sugar-based (think about all the ingredients and how much sugar is in all of them), if it is a high heat you will burn the sauce. And even though I love the smell of burning sugar, I like eating food more.

Finally, I think I MIGHT deep-fry my tofu longer. It was good how I had it, but I like my tofu a little crispier than it was.

Let me know if you try this recipe out. What did you change? How did it turn out?

drew (at) pliskinake (dot) com